Splat The Fat

 
My new site 04/06/2010
 
Please keep reading my ridiculous post at http://thirtynineplusone.webs.com/apps/blog/
 
 
This is a couple of days late but I just have to gloat. After giving up on the Lemonade Diet in a record breaking 10 hours, my husband gave me a wee bit of a hard time. Questioning my will power. Reminding me how this was going to be really good for us, a new start..... blahdeblahdeblah. Well no less than 12 hours after this "I am so much more in control of myself than thou"  lecture, my husband walks through the door reeking of Taco Bell. Oh how I laughed. Sometimes life is just wonderful. Whilst he devoured a list of taco teasers I, on the other hand, slurped down some Miso soup. Perfect!
 
 
 My husband crept into bed late last night and informed me that he was starting The Lemonade Diet. I mumbled an uninterested "Oh really" and fell straight back into deep slumber. When I woke up I wasn't sure if  this conversation had really taken place or was part of a very disturbing dream,  but everything came into focus as I stepped into the living room and saw that our fruit bowl had been hijacked by hundreds of lemons.  Oh Hell. We had been talking about trying this out for a while but I didn't realize that I would wake up and not eat again for another 10 days.

Here's how you do it. Put two tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice and maple syrup into a large glass, then sprinkle 1/10 of Cayenne pepper in there and  add 8 oz of water. Try not to Barf and enjoy.  Do this 6 to 12 times a day for the next 10 days and hopefully you will have flushed out anything that might possibly be stuck to your Colon. Oh and you have to take a laxative every night before going to bed and one in the morning. They call this The Master Cleanse. Which is fitting since you will find yourself stuck in the bathroom pooping your insides out.

 I've already had 3 lemonades in 6 hours and I'm bloody starving. How am I possibly going to manage 10 days? What's really annoying is that my husband is positively perky about the whole idea.  I, on the other hand, have a headache and want to go to bed. I mean, I would do this if I had a gun pointed at me or if it meant that my kids would never ever be harmed but not eating for 10 days just because it's good for me....Come on. Sex is good for me but I'm okay with not bonking every night.

(A few hours later)

Much to my husband's chagrin, I have given up on the Lemonade Diet. I can't see myself going through this without wanting to eat my children. I got so hungry that I started sucking on my teeth hoping that scraps from last night's dinner were stuck in there.  I now understand that this is a detox not a diet. If you lose weight doing it, good for you but it is designed to rid your body from all the toxins you've built up over the course of time. My goal is to lose weight and if it sheds at a ridiculously slow pace, so be it . My diet lately has not been bad, actually it's better than it has ever been.  I'm hoping that a few good changes here and there will make the difference and allow for my moments of Chalupa weakness. I'm also a bit tired of all the pooping I've subjected myself to lately and would like to achieve my weight loss goal without destroying rain forests around the world due to the huge amounts of toilet paper I've been going through. Happier now that my headache has gone. I will maintain my course and stick to what I'm doing. They say if you are given a lemon, make lemonade but the saying doesn't say anything about needing to drink twelve glasses a day.
 
 
As I put a little bit of dark chocolate into my mouth I thought about the phrase "Sweet tooth" and realized that it made no scientific sense whatsoever. I have always been under the impression that the combination of both tongue and nose is what makes food so tasty. Not your teeth. So why then do we say "I've got a sweet tooth".  Hmmm I'm never really very impressed with sayings that don't line up with facts. The chocolate was good though.

 I heard that Cadbury got bought by Kraft today and honestly it feels like a part of me has died. I mean what does Kraft know about chocolate? Don't they sell mayonnaise, salad dressings and macaroni and cheese? What are they doing sticking their beaks into chocolate? And this, let me tell you, is no ordinary chocolate.  If I had had the money I would have bought the company myself. This is the best chocolate in the world. After all, Cadbury  invented  the beautiful Boost bar, the crazy Crunchie,  the wonderful Wispa, the tremendous Twirl, the cute Curly Wurly but above all the fabulous flake. Let's not forget  those bonny wee buttons either. I mean the names alone get me wet. I know Kraft will keep on producing them but it just won't be the same. And if Kraft dares to employ a Hershey's chocolate cuisiniere I will create my own army and storm the place. The taste of Hershey's makes me want to hurl. So be warned Mr Kraft do not tamper with Cadbury's recipes.

Cadbury's has been such a part of my life, to think that it will now be americanized is heartbreaking. I have never seen a Cadbury's easter egg sold here, I'm not talking cream eggs (which do get sold) I'm talking giant eggs filled with Cadbury's chocolates. What about the Christmas stockings? The Valentines hearts?... Cadbury was like the welcomed British fairy godmother for all occasions.   Why has this happened? Why does anything monumental ever happen?....Money!
 
 
I keep seeing recently snapped photos of myself and am appalled by my double chin. I mean I look like a bloody turkey, possibly even like a turkey with an extreme case of glandular fever.  I was hoping the gazillion Nicorettes I have been chewing for the past 2 months  would have had some effect tightening up that area but...no. In the past, the first place I used to lose weight was in my face, then my stomach. My arms would slowly follow and after a lot of time and effort my bum would finally deflate ever so slightly.  This time it seems like my face won't budge. Maybe the bags under my eyes are so droopy they've melted into my chin.

Men are lucky when it comes to double chins, they grow beards and bingo it's gone. I don't think a beard would go down too well with my husband at this stage in our marriage. He might let me off the hook when I'm 70 something but definitely not in the last year of my thirties. Bummer, I suppose I could wear a veil  but - aside from my  finger - I actually hate the feeling of anything covering my nostrils. I did notice that the photos of me taken face on were much better. I guess I just need to make sure I either never get snapped from the side again or put on one of those plastic cones animals wear after they get neutered, at least I'll still be able to pick my nose.
 
 
We have a supermarket chain store here in LA called Whole Foods. The name is self-explanatory, it only sells wholesome foods - You wouldn't find a bag of Dorritos anywhere in there and you definitely wouldn't dare ask if they sell cigarettes for fear of being booed at and bombarded with tomatoes.  Their products come from local farmers and are not contaminated with pesticides, artificial flavors or colors. They are completely and utterly 100% organic. So far so good right? The bad news is that you literally have to apply for a loan to shop there.

Ever since Whole Foods moved into my neighborhood, I have discovered a whole, I might add, very pasty looking community that I never knew existed.  People who shop there obviously have well paid jobs, take their health extremely seriously and feel very concerned about everything. So many petitions get signed outside their doors. But here's the other thing I have discovered...No one is very friendly in there. The staff are nice, but the customers seem to walk around with a "I am a very important person" badge pinned to their Beverly Hills vintage clothing.  They give their signatures freely in support of gay marriages, Haiti, legalizing marijuana - all things I also am in favor of  yet in the parking lot their true colors shine blindingly through their rear view mirrors. It is indisputably the meanest car park in the whole of Santa Monica. Because it's always so busy, everyone is cutting in front of each other to get that one empty parking spot. If you are backing out of a spot and almost have most of your car out, on coming cars won't stop to let you finish, they'll just whiz on past and if you bump into them they'll probably sue you for whip lash.

Yesterday, I was taking Liston to a park and wanted to get some bananas before we walked home. Because we were so close, we went into Whole Foods. While I was there, I got a bit hungry, so picked up a bite to eat and went and sat outside. Halfway through my lunch, a homeless man came up to my table and asked me for some money. I didn't actually have any because I had paid by credit card so I gave him a banana instead. Then he went to the man next to me and asked him for some money. He also said no but had no fruit to hand over. When the vagrant left, the man next to me said "He can stand, he can get a job" and that was when I knew I would NEVER go to Whole foods again.

The interesting thing is that 10 ft away there is another smaller supermarket called The 99 Cents Store. Again the name is self-explanatory. Their customers (which includes me) will use the $10 it costs for a bag of cherries at Whole Foods to buy an entire weeks shopping. Because the food and items sold are all under a dollar, there is always a steady flow of homeless people who shop there. This is where my banana bearing homeless guy went. As I sat outside Whole Foods finishing off my lunch, I realized how this strip mall was a microcosm of LA. How you can have two opposing supermarkets right next to each other and one seems to blatantly ignore the other. Neighborhoods here in LA work the same way. We all live very close to each other but we don't mix. I know some will say that this is not true but underneath it all, it really is. When I worked in Compton there was not one white face in any of the 72 classrooms I managed. When we went to check out a preschool for my now 12 year old daughter in Montana (a fancy area) and asked if there were any African American students in the school, because what we saw was alarmingly white, the director of the school "reassured us" by saying "Don't worry we're North of Montana".  As Marcellus said in Hamlet "Something is rotten in the State of Denmark" so let's not pretend it isn't. Maybe it's time to stop just giving our signatures away, stop being so clinical in our approach to charity. Maybe it's time to actually roll up our sleeves and help out in a more hands on way. Oh... Did I mention that my neighborhood Whole Foods makes  at least 1 million dollars a week.... ? 
 
 
So I've been hiding behind my curtains for the past seven days. No reason other than I haven't had a whole lot to say for myself. Been kind of dragging my feet around. Los Angeles has had rain - which in itself is fantastic as things were getting pretty dry around here. There's something wonderful about LA rain. It's hard. It floods. It 's as if all the dead and gone suddenly, in unison, start bawling from the heavens above,  grieving the ones they left behind, sobbing over their tragic but inevitable fates - Well not quite, I'm an atheist so that completely contradicts my beliefs but it did come down in buckets.

Because of the rain, I have been indoors for the most part. Weather like this has a way of making you munch a little more. That hibernating state of mind creeps in, I didn't do too badly though, I can still say I'm still eating well although I really need to exercise more. I was climbing some good unavoidable hills on my way to pick up my girls from school prior to the deluge but that has stopped for now because there are hundreds of lost animals wandering the streets. Since no one, as yet, knows whether they are vaccinated or not we have been told to stay inside until the LAPD gives us the green light. (How was that for an awesome excuse?).  Aqua aerobics is also a no no right now as it gets pretty chilly at night (the only time of day I am sans enfants). I guess I'll need to dust off my old tie-dye yoga mat and just let my son see me in very compromising positions. We could play London bridge is falling down, just hope I don't keel over prematurely because of wobbly limbs and crush him that's all.
 
 
Been off the radar for a while. Must confess to a very sloppy weekend. Saturday morning began with my husband performing the Heimlich maneuver on me because one of those ginormous diet supplements got lodged in my throat and left me gasping for air - No I am not joking, these pills are now trying to kill me. I  know I should probably stop taking them so that I get a chance to see my kids grow up  but  I want to see this 14 day plan through so I've resorted to putting my pooping pills in a ziploc bag, hammering the hell out of them and adding this crushed down version into my morning oats. The oats don't taste as nice but I can't take anymore chances.

Having avoided death once again  - beginning to feel like a cat here - I went on to have a fantastic Saturday night. Attended a great party and met some wonderful characters yet suffered greatly the next day and this is when I went astray. I don't know about you, but when I have a monumental hangover, salad is not a cure. It doesn't have the same sponge like sucking powers of dough. This time, when I dropped my daughter off at dance, Taco Bell won. Chalupa: ( a deep fired taco wrapped in a deep fried artary clogging tortilla), was my baby of choice and boy did it taste good. I was like an alcoholic who hadn't had a drink in 2 weeks. There was sour cream all over my chin, lap even my stubby little fingers were covered from knuckle to nail. Although my hangover disappeared almost immediately I felt awful.  Regrettably it didn't stop there. For the rest of the day I seemed to have just used my Chalupa as an excuse..."Because you've already devoured 8000 calories in one sitting you might as well have the chocolate bar, or the 3 pieces of toast, or that wild boar you just caught whilst out hunting." I was unstoppable. Oh how my mind played tricks with me. Since I felt that the day was a washout instead of reeling myself in, in good time, I went to town. Ugh not good. A major flogging session followed by a few "What a twats" and today I feel much better. I curse you  pendejo Chalupa puta de Madre.
 
 
Without going into too much detail, as I can see I got a bit carried away with last night's post, I would like to continue where I left off, and say that I now think the label of these dieting supplements I am taking, should have a warning that reads "Make Sure you are not going anywhere for the next 14 days as everything you digest will reappear in a matter of minutes." This stuff is not for traveling salesmen, men who work in cranes, deep sea divers or anyone else on the go who cannot reach a toilet in lightening speed. Because I am worn out and alarmingly dehydrated from shitting myself silly for two days straight, I feel obligated to tell the honest truth here. Why am I still taking them? Well apparently it works.  Enough said on the matter

Oooooooo I'll be back in 5....................................................(A quiet whimper is heard down the hallway, followed by the toilet flushing)

Okay, Something weird has happened to my scales.... They have moved. I'm not sure if they have just broken down from all the weigh ins I've subjected them to or if this is the real deal. They are telling me that I've lost a total of 15 pounds since I started this project in June of 09. I did stop for 4 months but could have still been shedding some of my post pregnancy pounds without really noticing. I will need to weigh myself on another scale before I celebrate in earnest.  I am however a realist and deep down feel that this is nothing more than a cruel joke that my scales are playing on me. Revenge for all the abuse I have hurled at them over the years.  Wait a minute.....I couldn't have shat out 15 pounds in 2 days Could I? Is that possible? Sounds plausible really. Shit out the old, bring in the new.
 
Toilet Terror 01/14/2010
 
Okay, tonight's install has to be short but sweet as I'm heading out. The one thing I would like to mention is that I'm trying out this 14 day pill popping plan. There are two bottles. One contains Acai Berry supplements and the label states that it's a "weight loss flush". The other contains  3 times the power green tea supplements which apparently should "increase calorie burning".

It took a couple of days, but I can confidently now say the effects have kicked in. Today I found myself at Target  ( a big superstore) frantically trying to get to the loo. -  Note to self: Always locate the restrooms before you start shopping  - Also, because I couldn't take the contents of my overflowing cart into the toilet with me, many precious minutes were wasted emptying it. Liston of course was ecstatic as he has never gone over the shopping cart speed limit before. WOW this has never happened to me. I think the word "flush" might be a bit mild to describe what occured next, it was more like a jet hose. Thank God nobody else was in the bathroom to hear my moans...I hope this shit works cause it's hardcore. Sweet dreams everyone.
 

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    In the red corner, weighing in at beep beep beep pounds and standing 5ft3 inches tall, we have the undisputed fatty of the year. With 12 KO and the ability to wolf down an entire Cadburys chocolate bar in one sitting, wearing the yellow shorts with pink polka dots put your hands together for Tanya!

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