Splat The Fat

 
 
The rumor is, that Chinese chicken salads are healthier than Caesar salads. Not sure if I read this somewhere or if I just made that up - regardless, it was delicious. My dinner tonight nearly wasn't green in color though. Once I dropped my daughter off at dance, I suddenly realized I was famished and double realized that I had had no lunch today. Not good. And once this hunger pain hit me like a young Brittany Spears, I became aware of the screaming neon signs that surrounded me. Fatburger and Taco Bell were only a stone's throw away. The drive through arrows were singing sweet melodies and whispering words of love and let me tell you I nearly got into bed with the pair of them.  But I didn't. Instead I drove home whilst my poor stomach grumbled indignantly for an additional 30 minutes and picked up a Chinese chicken salad at my local healthy chicken joint and I am pleased that I'm not sitting here, writing this, right now smelling of curly fries.

Now that's a strange concept - Curly fries. Someone must have just said one day. "I hate em long and straight" and so invented curly fries. Actually you get quite a few fry variants. French fries - tall and thin (of course), squared fries that look like you can play a game of naughts and crosses with them, fat fries, our aforementioned curly fries so with all these choices then, why has no one ever invented the short fry? I find this quite offensive really. I'm a very proud short legged person - 5ft 2 exactly.  What's up with boycotting the short fry? I will look into this tomorrow.
 
 
I have been receiving some very hard-hearted comments about this Blog. Well two actually, from a couple of disgruntled dieters who did not appreciate my comments about the diet forums I have been banned from. (view post titled Diet Forum Nazis and click on comments.) One told me I was stupid and let me know that the forums were not there for self promotion and the other told me that my Blog/writing wasn't very good      ( this is the nice version). Now here's the thing,  these diet forums all offer a place to  Blog,  a place to write down your daily trials and tribulations about your diet. This is exactly what my Blog is doing. These forum Blogs will obviously be viewed by the public since they have posted them up on the net. So these Bloggers intentions are equal to mine, to be viewed and to receive support. I guess what my two new found friends are mad at is my use of the word "promote" and I agree. If I had thought about it, I should have probably used a better word. They feel I am in this for fame and fortune yet if you look at Splat The Fat you will notice that there is no advertising whatsoever. This is the same for my other site www.readthemandeat.com. A deliberate choice I made so that whoever views my sites wouldn't feel I was there to make money. Only there for the joy I get spewing out the inner workings of my spaghetti bowl mind.

Every  single diet forum I have come across is bursting at the seems with advertising. Makes me wonder who really is taking advantage of the dieters in this world? The only thing I am offering up - I hope, is inspiration. Inspiration with humor. So although I will keep these negative comments up as a reminder of the cruelty of others, I am not very impressed with how personal these two members of our society felt they could be. They have no idea who I am so their comments only seem malicious. Now they could say that I was equally malicious towards dieters and the forums. But if you really look at what I wrote, I was merely enjoying a very silly situation and did not point out someone's defaults but rather generalized it all. I was poking fun at the person or persons who banned me and not the entire dieting community. Enough said on the matter as it really isn't very important but I did want to bring a few pointers to their attention.

The good news is that I read an article by The BBC claiming that there is medical research to support the idea that "Having a big bum, hips and thighs is 'healthy'." I knew it...I just knew it. That's probably the reason I've lived this long. God I love my bum. I will never disapprove of it again - she says stroking it lovingly, could be the only thing at this point keeping me alive. The article reads "Hip fat mops up harmful fatty acids and contains an anti-inflammatory agent that stops arteries clogging, they say. Big behinds are preferable to extra fat around the waistline, which gives no such protection, the Oxford team said." The article goes on to say how these types of fat, in these specific areas, can prevent Diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Feel free to  continue reading the article here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8451674.stm. So from this day forth I will celebrate my ass but continue to reduce the size of my my midriff, arms, double chin, back, calves and the space between my toes.
 
 
I've just realized that I am a lazy eater. I think that goes hand in hand with my complete lack of interest in cooking. What I seem to do, is opt for the fastest throw together recipes/foods I can make. Which if I take a good look at my culinary repertoire are a/ Very boring and b/ Not totally bad for you but not totally good either. Tonight I spent a bit more time in the kitchen and rustled up some homemade turkey meat balls, corn on the cob and French green beans and I am completely satisfied with no guilt whatsoever. Oh and I have to mention that last night, I stirred up a homemade carrot soup which was divine even though I felt like the lights were on all night.

Actually my whole diet is askew. I never eat breakfast - a habit I formed during my boarding school years in Scotland. We had the option of either getting up, leaving the boarding house and walking over to the canteen in below 0 temperatures or remaining in our warm hot water bottled beds for an additional 30 minutes. I wasn't an aspiring rocket scientist or anything but I chose to keep warm. Consequently I have never fed myself before 11 am on any given day and by this time, especially now that I am a parent, I  have been up and busy for 5 hours so am absolutely ravenous.  As a result, pretty much anything that I come across gets dropped into my mouth and I also probably eat more than I should.

With all of this in mind and realizing that this pattern has never really served me well, I have a medium sized bowl of oats every morning sweetened with berries. By the time lunch ticks around I seem to eat in moderation. I want to cut down my evening meals a little so I think I'll throw in a snack between the two so that I don't end up sitting on my dinner. I am not someone who sits in front of the television and devours a whole pack of Dorritos, I don't drink sodas but what I do eat isn't healthy either. I seem to have a very big relationship with dough and wine. Both calorie parasites with no redeeming qualities whatsoever apart from they make me feel good and give me the giggles. So I am cutting WAY down on my two little friends hoping that that alone will be effective. All in all If the outside of my body hasn't changed much yet the inside is surely thankful.
 
 
The other day I joined some diet forums. If truth be told, I wasn't there to find a dieting buddy or new recipes. I was really there to promote my Blog. But the funny thing is that since then I have received an infraction from one of the sites and have been told that I can never participate in two other sites again. Exact words: You have been banned for the following reasons: Spam.  Date the ban will be lifted..NEVER.  Oh crickey..."What was her crime?"  I hear you ask. Who has she slandered? How much abuse did she hurl? Which four lettered words did she use? The answer is none. My only crime was to ask people in the same position as myself  to visit my dieting Blog. I never realized that this was such a cliquey world, that there were extreme rules to obey. I would hate to think what would have become of me if I had had a slice of Black forest Gateaux. I'd probably have to hide under the covers with the lights off in fear that the diet gestapo would thrash me with a spatula or pin my eyes open with toothpicks and make me watch Richard Simmons videos over and over and over again until I actually found him attractive.  I mean come on. Lighten up a little - no pun intended. It's just a diet forum. It's not like I've tried to infiltrate the C bloody IA headquarters, or gate crash an Obama White House party, which in comparison seems easier to do.

But I will listen to the wise and as Socrates once profoundly said when he got ditched by his life coach...WHAT..EV..ER! 

I have been doing great despite this little expulsion from my fellow fatties. Have eaten so little that I'm already tipsy on my very deserved long awaited (6 days exactly) glass of wine. I must say that 7 days of healthy living really can make you feel better. I really have high hopes this time. Looking back at old photos of myself in my mid 20's has become my inspiration. I was a babe once, I can surely be a babe again. This time however I will have a few added wrinkles and just a few (excuse me while I cough through my lie) gray hairs on my head.

This next bit has nothing to do about nothing but I have to mention this very aristocratic English woman from Cheshire I keep bumping into in my local LA  supermarket - Trader Joe's.  I have to give her a huge shout out because she is so fantastically supercool for her age (about 70) that  I have completely fallen in love with her. The first time I saw her was about a week ago,  she was wearing black high heeled booties with leggings and a gold sequin beret with red lip stick on both her lips and teeth. She approached Liston, Dempsey and myself cooing over how wonderfully wonderful we all were. (Dempsey seemed a little apprehensive by this mysterious love woman but got reassured by my delighted responses) and today with only Liston in the cart,  she pretty much donned the same outfit but this time instead of gold she wore a white woolly beret and I couldn't help but think how fabulous she looked in all of her uniqueness. Next time I'll ask her home for a cuppa cause I know she has some stories up her sleeve. I love people like that. Stay true to who you are regardless of age and size. Beats that narrow minded man I met at the park yesterday that's for sure.
 
 
So today started off with a hop and a skip. Following the usual school drop off, I packed my new bicycle and baby carrier into the car and headed down to Venice Beach. Why did I just not bicycle there, after all it's only seven blocks away I hear you mutter? Two words... Lincoln blvd. Probably one of the shitiest roads on the west side of LA. You literally are taking your life into your own hands bicycling down this road. A man got dragged under a car the length of a block only last week and it wasn't my husband. Lovely way to go.

When we reached the beach, I took Liston to two parks. At the second park he made a few friends. One of the friends' parents was a chic French woman who looked perfect, obviously eats well and bathes in olive oil. The other friends' parent was a man. We were all three standing very close to each other watching our kids play. This man also had a bicycle and a baby carrier so I thought I'd ask him about helmets as Liston's helmet seems to cover his face and not his head. He quickly responded a "mine works uhhh" sort of answer and proceeded to completely ignore me whilst desperately trying to chat up this French woman. Don't get me wrong here, I was not there to chat him up either but I did feel invisible. I mean what's up with people? We are all 30 somethings now us playground parents. Have we not moved beyond the - I'm not going to bother to talk to you cause she looks far more interesting and has a sexy accent stage? Are we not just curious about who we all are? It was a sad reminder about how important the physical is to some. One that is so rife here in LA it's ridiculous.

Last Christmas my family and I went back to England to spend it with our family. During this holiday we spent 4 days at a place called Center Parks - Amongst many other activities you can do with your kids, Center Parks also has a very big indoor water park. I felt so sexy there I could have emigrated back again. All the women were shapely ( a little pale yes) but shapely and it felt good to be wandering around in my swim suit and feel sexy again. I don't get that here. As they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and unfortunately, because the sun is always shining in LA, everyone wears sunglasses so never really get to see the true colors that surround them.
 
 
 Today I was musing over other ways to lose weight which got me thinking about getting my jaw wired so that nothing big can get shoved down my throat. Note to self: Is this really about my diet or am I avoiding my marital obligations? hmm question for my therapist. I'll get back to you on that one..... But it would be kind of nice not to be able to open my mouth wider than an inch, when the only thing I could literally eat has to be pureed and sucked through a straw. But seriously, jaw wiring is also probably much cheaper than lap band surgery with far less complications. I think I might be onto something here...What says you Watson?

Food helpings in America is what I am noticing more and more. The portions here are humongous, A typical plate of restaurant food could literally feed five people in Sudan yet because we bought it we feel we have to eat it all. An american sandwich be that a Panini or Hoagie needs a toothpick... no not a toothpick... too short - A marshmellow stick  stabbed through the center just to hold it together. Bitting through one of those could actually leave you needing your jaw wired as it's nearly imposible to do. 

Bottom line, we are given too much so we eat too much. I have therefore decided, as an alternative to getting my jaw wired since I won't be able to scream at my kids,  I will start off  by not eating a quarter of the contents on my dinner plate when out and about. And instead of seeing the food as dollar signs and how much hard work was put into making those dollars, I will see it from a different angle and know that a few less cellulite lumps will appear on my  glorious blindingly white derrier because I downsized my intake of food.

This is not a new idea I know, but it is new to me. So tonight instead of wolfing down an entire cadburys chocolate bar, I will only consume 6 rows - That's progress.
 
The Year 2010 01/05/2010
 
New Year. New attitude.

I've just realized it's been 5 months since my last post...Oops, I got distracted what can I say. So here's the deal, things are better, husband has had back surgery and seems to finally be able to pick up his underpants again. Kids are happy and baby Liston is nearly one. So I have been listening to the spiders and just like my long lost relative Robert the Bruce did - I will try and try again. I might not save Scotland from the English but I will at least shed one pound - Not setting myself up for failure this time. Let's start with a pound and see what happens.

I got a bike for my birthday and a wee baby carrier to go on the back. Today was my first time on it and it was brilliant. Liston loved the ride. I am hoping that this will be a good way for us both to enjoy our outings together and for me to get legs made of steel.

I have started the year off eating well too (okay I know it's only the 5th) but 5 days of no bread, cheese, Taco Bell and Fat Burgers is pretty good for me. I am downing little shots of concentrated Acai berry juice throughout the day and am happily chewing Nicorette gum. So let's begin here and see what happens to me this time.
 
 
Today, I feel like Zeus is shadowing me. I'm in a super bad mood brought on by a few sleepless nights and an absolute lack of energy. I feel like I haven't stopped moving for 6 months and desperately need a break. For those of you that didn't know, I had Eclampsia shortly after my son was born, ended up in ICU for 4 days after 2 massive seizures.  The day I was released, my husband fell very ill and seems to have remained that way ever since. At first, it was his stomach. Currently, his back has been out for 3 months and although I sympathize greatly with his painful plight I now look like a withered balloon stuck in a power line as all domestic jobs have been left to me. I know the wedding vows clearly state "in sickness and in health" but I think it should be reworded: "In sickness and in health with a maximum of 1 month bed rest then you're on your own again"...I do!

 What has this all got to do with my dieting? Well... EVERYTHING. If  I'm not getting my arse to a gym it's because I'm running around after 3 kids who are still on summer holidays after 2 months off! If I'm not eating right it's because I simply can't be bothered under the circumstances. If I'm feeling a little low it's because I need a change of scenery. This hot California sun is pissing me off as I've got nothing to wear and it's messing up the Ph balance of my now very spotty face. Clearasil doesn't seem  to help much and shopping has been postponed until I can actual fit into one of those tiny changing room cubicles.
 
 
When I was younger, I used "The power of negative thinking" technique quite often. Here's how you do it...Let's say you have an exam to pass or a job interview you need to nail or a man you wish to shag, you basically use the negative approach and firmly persuade yourself that you won't pass, you won't land the job and definitely won't be having sex anytime soon. This way, if these weren't to happen, you're not disappointed as you have already convinced yourself that it wasn't meant to be anyway. If, on the other hand, you do finally pass that wretched math test, or land that dream job or finally get to have an orgasm with someone other than yourself, it's an unexpected pleasure. I will now take this old approach into my dieting. Instead of wishing to fit into a purple pair of hot pants and roller blade down Venice beach by this time next year, I will aim to remain exactly the same, enjoy who I am regardless and if a few pounds are lost along the way, great!

Eat my shorts Tony Robbins!  I charge $50 a session. Come see me for some good old negative thinking anytime, it really does work.
 
 
The scales have moved...I repeat the scales have moved. Not much, but enough to make me feel like my efforts are paying off. I have also graduated from my pregnancy jeans into a regular pair with buttons....Big round of applause. Today, life is good. It's funny how important dropping a pound or so on the scales can make you feel.  I know people tell you not to look at them but you have to measure your success somehow and scales just happen to proclaim the gospel truth when dieting.

California's summer sun has also surely helped here as I find myself sweating profusely on a daily basis. I feel I have a natural wrap around me at all times as my hair has grown so thick and long that it's become a vital part of my shedding. I'm hoping my double chin will disappear with the constant heat that radiates around my neck area.

 I still have a long way to go and must confess to getting a bit blue now and again as it really isn't that easy. Occasionally when I look at myself, I see my youth fading fast but I guess I need to start accepting this new me  - flabby belly, 3 kids and all. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to keep me positive.  Sometimes, the seasons change so softly one can hardly notice when autumn ends and winter begins and other times the seasons change so dramatically you need to quickly go out and buy your thermals so not to get hypothermia, you need to catch up. That is where I am at right now, I'm catching up.
 

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    In the red corner, weighing in at beep beep beep pounds and standing 5ft3 inches tall, we have the undisputed fatty of the year. With 12 KO and the ability to wolf down an entire Cadburys chocolate bar in one sitting, wearing the yellow shorts with pink polka dots put your hands together for Tanya!

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