Lemons lemons and more lemons 02/16/2010

2 Comment(s)

 

 My husband crept into bed late last night and informed me that he was starting The Lemonade Diet. I mumbled an uninterested "Oh really" and fell straight back into deep slumber. When I woke up I wasn't sure if  this conversation had really taken place or was part of a very disturbing dream,  but everything came into focus as I stepped into the living room and saw that our fruit bowl had been hijacked by hundreds of lemons.  Oh Hell. We had been talking about trying this out for a while but I didn't realize that I would wake up and not eat again for another 10 days.

Here's how you do it. Put two tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice and maple syrup into a large glass, then sprinkle 1/10 of Cayenne pepper in there and  add 8 oz of water. Try not to Barf and enjoy.  Do this 6 to 12 times a day for the next 10 days and hopefully you will have flushed out anything that might possibly be stuck to your Colon. Oh and you have to take a laxative every night before going to bed and one in the morning. They call this The Master Cleanse. Which is fitting since you will find yourself stuck in the bathroom pooping your insides out.

 I've already had 3 lemonades in 6 hours and I'm bloody starving. How am I possibly going to manage 10 days? What's really annoying is that my husband is positively perky about the whole idea.  I, on the other hand, have a headache and want to go to bed. I mean, I would do this if I had a gun pointed at me or if it meant that my kids would never ever be harmed but not eating for 10 days just because it's good for me....Come on. Sex is good for me but I'm okay with not bonking every night.

(A few hours later)

Much to my husband's chagrin, I have given up on the Lemonade Diet. I can't see myself going through this without wanting to eat my children. I got so hungry that I started sucking on my teeth hoping that scraps from last night's dinner were stuck in there.  I now understand that this is a detox not a diet. If you lose weight doing it, good for you but it is designed to rid your body from all the toxins you've built up over the course of time. My goal is to lose weight and if it sheds at a ridiculously slow pace, so be it . My diet lately has not been bad, actually it's better than it has ever been.  I'm hoping that a few good changes here and there will make the difference and allow for my moments of Chalupa weakness. I'm also a bit tired of all the pooping I've subjected myself to lately and would like to achieve my weight loss goal without destroying rain forests around the world due to the huge amounts of toilet paper I've been going through. Happier now that my headache has gone. I will maintain my course and stick to what I'm doing. They say if you are given a lemon, make lemonade but the saying doesn't say anything about needing to drink twelve glasses a day.

 

Comments

katja

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:59:26

I thought you looked heaps thinner in our fleeting "good" conversation today in the hallways of school.

 

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